The Importance of Boundaries

(from Russ Hersrud via his daughter Stacy): Set clear boundaries, and keep them wide.

Today is the Twelfth Day of Christmas,
  also known as Twelfth Night.

It means that today
  is the outer boundary of the Christmas season
    in the Western churches.

It also means that tomorrow, January 6,
  is the western Christian holy day of Epiphany,
   the festival of the Wise Men.

Our topic for today comes from
  a wise man of our congregation,
    and it comes to us via a wise woman,
      his daughter.

In truth, our congregation is made up
  of many wise men and women.

It's our privilege to learn from them
  and to teach each other,
    since each of us has our own wisdom.

At his memorial service,
  Russ Hersrud's daughter, Stacy,
    told us that he had taught her
      always to set clear boundaries,
        and to set them as widely as possible.

That's one of the wisest ways
  of approaching boundaries
    that I have ever encountered.

There are important personal boundaries
  around holidays and holy days.

In the U.S. today, a lot of people think that Christmas
  is over by New Years Day at the latest,
    but the traditional designation
      of the Christmas season is
        The Twelve Days of Christmas,
          and it isn't just a song!

The Twelve days begin on December 25,
  not on the thirteenth (12 days earlier),
    despite the attempts to use it earlier
      for sales and other commercial purposes.

Let's face it,
  Christmas is both a secular and sacred holiday.

The idea of a war on Christmas is foolishness.

The greeting for the secular holiday is,
  "Merry Christmas,"
    and the idea of a war against it
      is nothing more than a foolish attempt
        to pick a political fight.

My reason to bring it up today
  is that the Christmas season is a good example
    of the importance of setting boundaries,
      both personally and socially.

I love the Christmas season,
  but I much prefer the holy day
    to the holidays.

I'm not at all offended if people wish me
  "Happy Holidays,"
    but I especially love the 12 days that begin
      with December 25
        because on these days
          I can enjoy the holy (special) time
            without having to tolerate
              so much commercialism.

I guess that's just one of my personal boundaries.

For all of us
  our personal freedom depends on boundaries.

If any of us are to be free, all of us will need
  to respect the boundaries of others.

A simple principle can help us all
  learn to respect each other's boundaries:

Your freedom, including -
  and maybe especially religious freedom -
    ends where your freedom
      begins to infringe on mine.

The boundary of religious freedom
  is one that is enshrined in our constitution,
    and it emphatically does not mean
      that one person is free
        to impose her or his religious principles
          on another person.

Our boundaries are important
  in many areas of life,
    and the best of them, like natural boundaries,
      can only be observed,
        since we have no power to change those
          for ourselves.

Many geographical boundaries are defined
  by features that are easy to see.

A mountain range, a river, or a seashore
  can define a natural boundary,
    and those boundaries are
      an important part of our lives.

There are also fascinating boundaries at sea
  where waters with different chemical properties
    do not mix at first,
      and their different shades and colors
        provide the visible boundary
          between different regions or seas.

Many other boundaries in our lives
  are much more subtle.

State and national boundaries
  are often simply imaginary lines.

Not everyone finds it as interesting as I do,
  but one of the most fascinating places
    I have gotten to visit over the years
      of my travels from Texas to the PNW
         is the Four Corners Monument
           where the four states of CO, NM, UT, and AZ
              come together at a single point.

Political boundaries are made up by political entities,
  usually for their own reasons
    and to their own advantage.

For that reason political boundaries
  need not be regarded as sacred
    the way personal boundaries need to be.

In the same way,
  the use of a political or national boundary
    as a means of oppression of human beings
      is a misuse of the principles of boundaries.

At the same time,
  cultural boundaries can be tricky.

We often see people different from ourselves
  as unacceptable,
    and we try to keep them on the other side
      of some imaginary line or boundary.

On the other hand, friendships and relationships
  that cross those cultural boundaries
    can provide opportunities for people
      to get to know each other better
        and even appreciate each other
          in spite of - and sometimes even because of -
            the differences between us.

Some of the most important boundaries in our lives
  involve the boundaries between individual people.

In your mind,
  picture, if you will,
    a series of circles surrounding you,
      each one a little further away from you.

Those circles are your personal boundaries.

The closest inner circle as I'm speaking of it
  is defined by the warmth of your body.

If you can feel the physical warmth
  of the person closest to you,
    then you are each
      within the closest personal boundary
        of the other person.

As you move further and further
  away from each other physically,
    you pass beyond one boundary after another.

As you move closer and closer together physically,
  you cross one inner boundary after another.

It's important to think of these physical boundaries
  because there are many other personal boundaries
    that are not nearly so obvious or visible,
      but that are at least as important to us all.

Respect for each other
  is the key to respect for each other's boundaries.

Respect basically means the recognition
  that other people have the same rights
    we want to claim for ourselves,
      regardless of gender, race,
        or other characteristics by which
          we define the differences among us.

Respect is best communicated by example,
  by spoken words and actions.

It is a basic way of showing compassion
  for the needs of others.

Showing consideration for others' boundaries
  is similarly a way of showing respect
    and compassion.

All of us have different boundaries
  based on our experiences,
    our thinking, philosophies and beliefs,
      and our attitudes.

Just as we are all in different places
  on our paths through life,
    so we will all set our boundaries differently.

There are those among us
  who seek to provide safe spaces or places
    within their environments,
      especially academic environments.

Because of their desire for safe spaces,
  the term "snowflake"
    is sometimes applied to them.

People who are called snowflakes
  are often simply those whose boundaries
    are different from others,
      and it is a shame when those others
        seem unable to show respect or compassion
          for their boundaries - or their limitations -
            and so they simply ridicule them
              and call them
                pejorative names like snowflake.

I recently read an article
  by a retired wounded veteran
    who spent time with the so-called snowflakes
      at Yale University.

He made some remarkable discoveries.

First of all, he discovered that they are human
  and many of them are intelligent people
    whom he can respect
      and who treat him with respect.

He also found that there was justification
  for their seeking safe places.

The safe place simply allows for polite discussion
  of sensitive subjects.

We can all learn to create such safe places
  by respecting each other
    and by agreeing to disagree
      without becoming disagreeable.
        (to cite Art Linkletter)

If we are able to do this,
  it will go a long way toward respecting
    each other's boundaries
      and restoring communication among people
        who all too often are speaking past each other
          in our time.

I have hope that we can achieve
  the kind of societal renewal
    that mutual respect of boundaries will enable.

It will take time and effort on the part of all of us,
  and it will be well worth it.

We can take the good advice
  of the wise man who was among us,
    Russ Hersrud,
      to set clear boundaries
        and to make them as wide as possible.

Amen
Ameen
Omeyn
So Mote It Be

Blessed Be!